He Wanted to Die. Surviving Changed Everything

Zach Tidwell enlisted in the Marine Corps wanting to go to war — and missed it. What followed was an affair, a traumatic brain injury, and a depression he refused to talk about, convinced he could just decide his way through it the same way he'd decided his way through infantry training. In March 2019, that ended with a suicide attempt that left him blind and partially deaf.

In this conversation, Zach walks through all of it: the attempt itself, waking up in the hospital, a second wave of depression a year later that he handled differently, a two-and-a-half-year battle with alcoholism, a diagnosis of Huntington's disease, and how he's since built a life that includes jiu-jitsu, competitive marksmanship, a software company, and a memoir.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or reach the Veterans Crisis Line at 988, press 1.

This is Episode 1 of Still Here, a five-part series produced in partnership with Wounded Warrior Project for Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Episode 2 — Lindsey Gray, WWP's Suicide Prevention Manager, on the brain science behind these choices — drops next week.

Chapters:

0:00 Cold open & content warning

1:35 Welcome, and blindness's hidden challenge: no sleep

2:36 Marine infantry life, and deployments that missed the war

5:05 A shared frustration: Scott's own near-miss with combat

7:40 The unraveling: infidelity, a TBI, and refusing to ask for help

13:41 The night of the attempt

16:48 No warning signs, and the gap between decision and execution