Community Question: “Why Didn’t They Just Leave?” — The Hidden Reality of Coercive Control

⚠️ Trigger Warning:

This episode contains discussions surrounding coercive control, family violence, emotional abuse, psychological harm, victim survival responses, and trauma-informed legal practice.

Listener discretion is advised.

In this deeply important follow-up episode of Dear Divorce Diary, family law barrister Darren Mort and family lawyer Joplin Higgins revisit one of the most confronting and misunderstood topics in family law: coercive control.

Responding directly to a listener message sent via TikTok following their earlier episode on coercive and controlling behaviour, Darren and Joplin unpack one of the most common — and harmful — public questions surrounding family violence:

“Why didn’t they just leave?”This conversation explores the reality that coercive control is rarely obvious, rarely isolated, and almost never simple.

What This Episode CoversUnderstanding Coercive Control Beyond Physical ViolenceJoplin explains that coercive control is not one singular act — it is often a layered pattern of behaviours that can include:

Emotional abuseFinancial controlIsolation from support networksThreats and intimidationManipulationMonitoring and surveillancePsychological degradationFear-based dependencyThe discussion highlights how difficult coercive control can be to identify, particularly because many victim survivors may not initially recognise the behaviour as abuse themselves.

The Importance of Asking the Right QuestionsA major focus of this episode is how lawyers, professionals, friends, and support people can better respond to victim survivors.

Joplin discusses:

Trauma-informed communicationThe importance of indirect and follow-up questioningAvoiding re-traumatisationCreating emotional safety during disclosureTaking detailed notes so victims don’t have to repeatedly relive traumaThe episode shines a light on how sensitive and skilled communication can help identify patterns of coercive behaviour that may otherwise remain hidden.

Why Leaving Isn’t SimpleDarren and Joplin strongly challenge the damaging misconception that victims can “just leave.”