Text the Friend You're Thinking About

By my early 30s, I’d moved 16 times. I’d transferred schools 5 times, lived in 14 different cities, and moved boxes in and out of countless apartments and houses.

I’d always considered this my social superpower: I knew how to harness the allure of being “the new kid.” I was both extroverted and judgy; I sorted people quickly and built friendships that blazed quick and hot. (There’s nothing like an expiration date to cement intense friendships.) The cycle was: meet, befriend, leave, over and over again.

It took me years to realize that this supposed “superpower” was holding me back from real, deep friendship.

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Do We Still Need Friends? The Allure of the “Everything” Relationship

It’s not just me who lacks friendship skills. From the “loneliness crisis” to viral content on “how to make friends as an adult,” it seems a lot of us are craving friendship.

This lack feels baked into our culture. America doesn’t prioritize or center friendships, instead it’s largely oriented around romantic partnerships. (You can’t, for instance, share health insurance with a friend, no matter how close you are.)

As many of our community affiliations (such as churches or civic groups) have dwindled in the past 50 years, more and more of our emotional and practical needs have fallen to our romantic partners. Our romantic expectations have never been higher: we want someone who will not only sweep us off our feet and do their fair share of domestic drudgery, they also need to also be our best friend.

These expectations have given rise to what psychotherapist Esther Perel dubs, “The Everything Marriage”:

“Everything that we wanted from a traditional marriage — companionship, family, children, economic support, a best friend, a passionate lover, a trusted confidante, an intellectual equal — we are asking from one person what an entire village once provided. And couples are crumbling under the weight of so much expectation.”

(emphasis mine)

Writing about this phenomenon for The Atlantic, author Rhaina Cohen calls it the “self-expressive” marriage: “spouses expected their partnership to be the site of self-discovery and personal growth.” (Gift link here.)