When Initiating Sex Starts Feeling Like Pressure

What happens when reaching for your partner no longer feels safe?

There was a period in our marriage when EJ stopped initiating sex completely.

It wasn't punishment. It wasn't giving up. We made the decision together because our sexual relationship had become complicated. EJ was experiencing rejection. Tarah was experiencing pressure. And something that had once felt spontaneous and playful had become loaded with anxiety, expectation, resentment, and meaning.

Stepping back helped.

But years later, as our intimate relationship became healthier, something unexpected happened:

Tarah wanted EJ to want her again.

And EJ realized he wasn't quite sure how to reach for her anymore.

In this deeply personal episode, we walk through four different seasons of our sexual relationship—from the ease of early intimacy, through the difficult high-desire/low-desire years, into adaptation, and now into what we're calling a season of rediscovery.

We explore:

Why sexual initiation can begin to feel like pressure instead of connectionWhat repeated rejection can do to the person who keeps reachingWhat repeated expectation can do to the person experiencing lower desireWhy temporarily changing who initiates helped our relationshipHow emotional safety allowed desire to begin feeling free againThe stories couples unknowingly attach to sexHow we're learning to initiate again after years of complicated sexual historyWhy mature intimacy isn't about recreating the honeymoon stageAnd we introduce a distinction we're beginning to use in our own relationship:

Invitation vs. ExpectationCan I express desire for you without making you responsible for satisfying it?

And can you receive my desire without becoming responsible for satisfying it?