228: Your Life Does Not End at the Diagnosis: Kerry’s Story as the Partner of a Man Diagnosed at 41

Episode Overview:

In this episode of The Penis Project Podcast, Melissa speaks with Kerry, whose partner Matt was diagnosed with prostate cancer at 41. Kerry was 33. This is her story, told from the seat we don’t hear enough, the partner’s.

It starts with a motorbike. Matt has a vintage Honda CB750, his pride and joy and he is always looking for a reason to ride it. So, in September 2019 when they saw the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride advertised, they thought “let’s do it”. They bought suits, made their donation, and rode up the freeway in open-faced helmets. Sounds dangerous but this act may have saved Matt’s life.

Before the ride, a couple in their late fifties or early sixties got up, reluctantly, and talked about their prostate cancer journey. Kerry listened intently taking onboard their powerful message. They rode, had the best day, went home, and Kerry said to Matt: you’re 40 now, next time you’re at the doctor’s maybe get a baseline PSA check.

Four months later Matt was walking out the door to see his GP about headaches. Kerry called out as the door was closing “make sure you get a PSA added on”. His GP, thankfully, was pro men’s health and simply did the test. It came back around 7. For a man his age, it should have been under 1.

What followed is a lesson. A repeat test three weeks later, was still significantly raised, so Matt was referred to a urologist for further investigation. An MRI was ordered; it came back clear. A less curious surgeon might have stopped there. This one however said there was still something elevating that PSA and decided to do a biopsy. Matt was completely asymptomatic, which is very normal with prostate cancer. Without that blood test, and without that biopsy, they would never have known.

The result came by phone, because it was COVID, and Kerry was at work. Matt took the call alone and his two children, then 9 and 12, were the ones who had to comfort him first. Gleason 7. And a sentence Kerry has never quite shaken: if they had not found it when they did, they would have been looking at around ten years before it became terminal. Most men are not even thinking about their prostate until they are 50.

Before the surgery, Dr Brown put children on their radar. Kerry did not have kids and was not certain she wanted them, and Matt already had two, but banking sperm beforehand was the best chance of ever having the option. Around the surgery they were well supported, most of it over Zoom because of COVID.

Kerry is honest about what she carried in silence. In her early thirties, five years into the relationship, she was quietly terrified about what their sex life would look like on the other side and said none of it out loud. She was his rock and he was already carrying enough. So, she researched instead: continence underwear that looks like normal jocks, whether men can orgasm without ejaculating, how to be intimate without intercourse. She and Melissa unpack why “I just want him alive” is said with total love and heard as something else entirely.

The good news is very good. Matt has been cancer-free ever since, and their sex life recovered further and faster than either of them dared expect. Their son Thomas, just over three, arrived through IVF using the sperm they banked, and carries the middle name of the great-grandfather whose prostate cancer nobody had joined the dots on. Matt’s diagnosis also prompted his own dad to get retested; he had prostate cancer and did not know it. Between them, Kerry and Matt have now walked at least fourteen men through this, and every year they polish the bike and speak at the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride, because one reluctant couple with a microphone in 2019 is the reason Matt is alive.

Golden Tip: Prostate cancer is not an old man’s disease.

Key Message from Kerry