When Someone Else's Envy Lands on You

Today, I am talking about a feeling that most of us know intimately. A feeling that most of us don’t talk about: Envy. This episode is about both kinds, which turn out to be the same machine running in two different directions.  

We’ll look at what happens inside you when you hear someone else’s good news - the prize, the residency, the museum acquisition, the sold-out show - and feel that sharp jab under the ribs that bends you double. We’ll talk about how, within about 90 seconds, you can pick up their achievement and swing it at your own career like a wrecking ball, and why that reaction isn’t just you being “awful,” it’s information.  

Drawing on research into “benign” and “malicious” envy, we’ll separate the kind that quietly points you upwards towards the work you actually want to be making from the kind that wants to pull other people down when you feel you have no control over your own situation. 

We’ll also talk about the other half that almost nobody names: what happens when you are the one being envied. The colleague who goes a bit cool, the snide remark at the opening, the tall poppy swipes that land at two in the morning and come home with you.  

This episode is an invitation to notice which kind of envy has landed, what it’s trying to tell you, and how to move from resentment and comparison towards honest data and self-trust.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Envy is a two-way machine. It’s one word for two different emotions, both triggered by someone else’s good news but pulling you in very different directions.  

When you envy others, ask what kind it is. The benign kind pointing you towards your own next step, or the malicious kind that needs you to reclaim your sense of agency.  

Expect some envy, some odd weather as you become more visible: the cool colleague, the snide remark. Pause and sort what you’re seeing and hearing. Warm, awkward admiration gets a “thank you”; real nastiness usually gets no response and never results in a smaller you.

BEST MOMENTS

“When it (envy) lands, ask what kind you've got. If it's pointing you upwards towards work that you want to be making and you're not currently making, it's data, useful data.”

“Being envied by someone whose eye you trust is a form of recognition that no review will ever give you. That artist had the benign kind.”