Why You Get Defensive When Your Spouse Is Upset

Do you get defensive the second your spouse says they're upset with you? Most of us do. We start correcting the facts, or we go straight to "poor me," and five minutes later nobody's talking about the original problem anymore.

We're Robert and Sharla, married for over three decades and coaching couples through the same struggles we've lived ourselves.

In this episode we talk about what Terry Real calls relational maturity, and his surprisingly simple test for it: “what do you do when your spouse is unhappy with you?” We tell on ourselves with the story of a porch swing Robert built, a creak that scared Sharla, and a lecture on snow loads that cost us the swing. Then we walk through four moves you can make the next time a complaint comes your way, and why owning more than you're asked to own is what calms your spouse down.

In this episode

Why the first five seconds after "that bothered me" tell you so muchThe adaptive child, the wise adult, and where we each learned to handle complaintsPia Mellody's three ways we dodge responsibility (Sharla admits to using all of them in one sentence)Why defensiveness is really a way of keeping shame outThe porch swing story, and the snow loads lectureWhy a complaint is a one-way street, and Terry Real's customer service windowThe four moves: listen and reflect, acknowledge, own the pattern, give and let goWhy saying "it's not the first time I've done this" can calm a fight down

A place to start this week The next time your spouse is unhappy with you, ask yourself which part of you is about to answer. Then try one move: "Here's what I heard. Did I get that right?"

Want help bringing this into your own marriage? Book a free 30-minute discovery call at https://masteryourmarriage.us

Related episodes

Ep 169: Defensiveness Is a Self-Esteem Problem, and How to Fix It https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/defensiveness-is-a-self-esteem-problem-and-how-to-fix-itEp 98: Repair, Part 4 (we process a regrettable incident live) https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/real-repair-what-happens-after-a-big-fightEp 162: When Is It Okay Not to Forgive? https://sharla-and-robert-snow.captivate.fm/episode/when-is-it-okay-not-to-forgive-and-when-its-not

Resources mentioned

Terry Real and Relational Life TherapyTerry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving RelationshipPia Mellody, Facing CodependenceThe Gottman Institute (processing a regrettable incident): https://www.gottman.com

Find us https://maste