Episode 379: Kate On: What Boundaries Actually Are and How to Set Them So They Stick

If setting boundaries were easy, we wouldn't need podcasts, books, or frameworks to teach us how to make and hold them. Boundaries are hard. But they're also essential to keeping sanity, strength, and confidence before, during, and after divorce. In this episode, I break down what a boundary actually is, and why most of us were never taught it in the first place.

Most of what we call boundaries are actually requests, expectations, or desperate pleas for someone to finally understand how much they're hurting us. But that's not a boundary. I walk through Pia Mellody's framework from her book Facing Codependence, the difference between external and internal boundaries, and how a real boundary describes what you will do, not what you need someone else to do. From there, I get into consequences versus punishment, why follow through matters more than the perfect script, and why a boundary is never the same thing as a wall.

Boundaries are both internal and external, and they both protect you and contain you. It's not about becoming less loving, it's about creating space for love that doesn't require losing yourself. Maybe the most important boundary you'll ever set is the one inside yourself that says you will no longer abandon yourself to keep someone else comfortable.

What you'll hear about in this episode:

Why most of us were never actually taught what a boundary is

The difference between external boundaries and internal boundaries

Why a boundary describes what you will do, not what you need someone else to do

The difference between a boundary consequence and a punishment

Why your boundary isn't proven by whether the other person likes it or not

What to do if enforcing a boundary could put you in physical danger

Why follow through matters more than the perfect script

The internal boundaries you never have to announce to anyone