#169 - Jessica Fern & David Cooley: Consensual & Ethical Non-Monogamy - Navigating Open Relationships

"The further we step outside the constructs of monogamy, the more we inevitably come to see our relationships through new eyes, and sometimes we may not like what we see. Whether you are brand new to CNM, or have been living some form of it for years, the changes that come as you or your partner develop new relationships can radically alter your life in unpredictable ways. For many, the changes that CNM can bring act like a pressure cooker, heating things up and bringing to the surface all kinds of feelings, issues, and dynamics that you were potentially never aware of, such as unprocessed trauma, unresolved ruptures, power imbalances, lingering resentments, poor communication habits, codependency, or even deal-breaking incompatibilities. As CNM forces us to confront some of the exposed cracks in the foundation of our relationships, it can be helpful to remember they are not necessarily the result of personal shortcomings on our part, but often the remnants of relational dynamics that were most likely masked by the closed container of monogamy, or the ostensible security of more hierarchical polyamory." Quote from Polywise, 2023, written by my guests today. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and the author of "Polysecure" from 2020. David Cooley is a restorative justice facilitator and the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversation Process. Together they wrote "Polywise" in 2023 and "Transforming the Shame Triangle" in 2026

I feel this interview about different factors in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is so important, because I personally think we are living through a major relational shift due to the ways we can now connect, and in the ways we are now able to see beyond what's considered normal and accept more diversity. This is about how we live with each other, and how we are able to love within different structures. And I'm telling you: as a Pluto in Scorpio gen, it is so refreshing to hear information that dismantles the marriage ideal I was never able to live up to, and yet for any gen it is "a painful process of releasing your attachment to a relationship that can no longer give you either what you need or what they want and what they need".. That's me personally, referring to PolyWise - what about you? I hope you enjoy this one as we speak of:

How we are swimming in the paradigm of monogamy Love is infinite. And yet, attachment isn't !!! Attachment as a choice rather than an accident The many shapes of CNM could be hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, solo polyamory, swinging, and Life partners where you are formerly married, now sharing a home - how does a new partner fit into that?? For who does it in monogamy "feel like they're dying"? Legislation making polyamorous people a protected class Relational intelligence !! Quite a bit more!!! In this episode we basically go from the books PolySecure & PolyWise to Transforming the Shame Triangle.

As we learn throughout there are several links from the work with parts to CNM, in Polywise Jessica Fern also uses the parts-work approach to explore why CNM can activate such strong emotional reactions. Parts that react on CNM may be:

a child part afraid of being abandoned or having its needs unmet a hurt part carrying experiences of betrayal or infidelity a competitive part afraid of being replaced a "princess" part wanting to be the only special person a critical part that distrusts non-monogamy altogether insecure parts that fear not being enough The parts are trying to protect important needs for safety, attachment, love, recognition, choice, and belonging.

Now in Jessica and Davids latest book: "Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work" this way of relating to yourself is even further explained, and giving voice to shame and the possible transformation process, which we also touch on in this interview.

Let's continue the conversation on alternative relating!! Many of us have embra