Episode Summary 11: Breaking the Cycle: One Mom’s Honest Story

You promised yourself you wouldn't become your mother. Then your kid won't put their shoes on for the third time, and the voice that comes out isn't really yours.

In this episode, I talk with Terese, a parent who grew up walking on eggshells around a mother who yelled often.  She would yell because Terese had her school books on the dinner table - and then after dinner, she would yell because the books were in the living room.  Terese knew she wanted to raise her own kids differently, but she didn’t have a model for what that would look like.

She shares what it took to finally stop hearing her mom's words come out of her own mouth, how she navigates her kids fighting with calm and confidence - and what she says to her kids on the nights it doesn't go as well.

We hear how she talks to herself in the moments right before she'd normally snap, and how her son learned to apologize for his mistakes without being asked or told.

Questions this episode will answer

What is breaking generational patterns? It starts with catching yourself mid-reaction (and eventually before your reaction), and recognizing where it came from - often a hurt you experienced in childhood.  Healing that pain, and learning new ways to be with your kids that meets both of your needs, actually breaks the cycle.

How do I stop yelling when I'm angry? Staying logical or repeating yourself more calmly rarely holds once a kid is already melting down. Instead, try to notice when you’re just a little bit agitated - your shoulders are tight; your fists are clenched; there’s a lump in your throat.  That’s the moment to remind yourself of what matters most to you - your relationship with your kids.

How do you resolve conflict between siblings? Taking the toy away ends the fight but doesn't teach anything. When you can find out what need each child is trying to meet (e.g. autonomy, connection), you can find strategies to help both of them meet their needs.  That’s how they learn how to solve their own conflicts - without you refereeing!

How do you apologize to your kids after yelling? Many parents don’t want to bring up a difficult issue again - they worry that reliving it will hurt their kids more (and it’s uncomfortable, too!).  But apologizing repairs the relationship and makes it stronger than it was before.

How do you teach a child that it's okay to make mistakes? When kids see you make a mistake and own up to it, they learn that eve