291: How Your Kid’s Exclusion Hurts You Too | Michelle Icard

Your sobbing middle schooler has just seen a Snapchat of their friend group hanging out without them and feels devastated …and you have no idea whether you should call the other parents, try to help your child cheer up, or just stay out of it.

Watching kids be excluded by friends they’ve had for years often leaves parents feeling bewildered, upset, helpless - or all of the above. Feeling angry on your kid’s behalf and wanting to rush to the rescue are completely understandable reactions. But you’ll want to take a beat and listen to this episode before acting. 

Michelle Icard joins us today to break down how tweens going through social exclusion at school are usually just testing out new friends and identities. Old friendships don't always grow at the same pace and some kids get left out in the process.

Your job isn't to engineer the friendship back together. It's to tend to your own feelings (perhaps hitting the gym, talking with a friend, or consulting with a clinician), then sit with your kid and ask what might help them feel even a little better today. Painful social shifts, including periods of feeling socially adrift, can ultimately foster resilience, independence, and the skills needed to build new friendships and interests.

Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist, New York Times bestselling author, and globally recognized expert on adolescent development who partners with UNICEF to support parents worldwide. Michelle Icard is a middle-school parenting expert with over 20 years of experience helping families navigate early adolescence. She is the author of Middle School Makeover, Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, and Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success.

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