261: Why Your Kids Fight (It’s Not What You Think)

If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work.

In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble.

We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs.  Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them.

Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is sibling fighting normal?

Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you.

What causes siblings to fight so much?

The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include:

Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their siblingTo play!  A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”

What are the most common triggers for sibling fights?

Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting.