Why You Chase People Who Don’t Want You with Laura Berman

You meet someone kind to you.

They’re consistent. They call when they say they will. They make it clear they like you. They actually show up.

And somehow... you’re not sure how you feel about them.

Maybe you start looking for reasons something is wrong. You lose interest. You tell yourself there’s no chemistry.

Then someone else comes along who is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or keeps you guessing, and suddenly you can’t stop thinking about them.

You wait for their texts. You analyze every interaction. You wonder what they’re feeling. The less certain you are about how they feel about you, the more certain you become that you want them.

And eventually you start asking yourself:

Why am I like this?

Why does healthy love feel boring while complicated love feels exciting?

Why do I keep wanting people who make me feel like I have to earn their love?

I’ve heard some version of this question countless times in my practice. And what makes this pattern especially frustrating is that you may already understand exactly where it came from.

Maybe love was inconsistent when you were growing up. Maybe you had to work for attention, affection, or approval. Maybe you learned very early that love comes with uncertainty.