Ep 80 with Amanda Asproni: Why Can't the Unfaithful Partner Explain Why They Cheated?

How can someone say they love you… and still cheat on you?

That's one of those questions that can keep a betrayed partner spinning for a very long time.

Because if they loved me, why would they do this?

Was I not enough? Was something missing in our marriage? Were they unhappy and I just didn't see it? And when they tell you, "I don't know why I did it," that answer can make the betrayal feel even harder to understand.

In Episode 80, I'm joined by Amanda Asproni to talk about what may be happening underneath some of those behaviors.

Amanda specializes in complex trauma, betrayal trauma, infidelity, compulsive sexual behavior, developmental trauma and relationship intimacy. And in this conversation, we get into something I think is incredibly important for both the betrayed and the unfaithful to understand: trauma reenactment.

Sometimes the behavior we see in adulthood didn't begin in the marriage.

Old wounds around abandonment, powerlessness, neglect, abuse, attachment and not feeling seen or heard can follow us into our adult relationships. And if those wounds are never dealt with, they can start showing up in ways we don't always recognize.

In this episode, we talk about:

Why someone can love their spouse and still make choices that completely destroy trust Why some unfaithful partners genuinely struggle to answer, "Why did you cheat?" How unresolved childhood trauma can get replayed inside an adult relationship Why resentment, powerlessness, emotional withdrawal and compulsive behavior can be connected to much older wounds How affairs or other acting-out behaviors can become a way of escaping feelings someone doesn't know how to deal with Why understanding the deeper "why" does not mean excusing infidelity How betrayed partners can begin separating their spouse's choices from their own worth Why saying "I'll never do it again" isn't enough if the underlying pattern is never understood And we talk about something the betrayed partner desperately needs to hear: Understanding why someone cheated does not mean excusing what they did.

They are still responsible for their choices.

But understanding the deeper "why" can help the unfaithful partner stop giving surface-level answers — and it can help the betrayed partner begin separating their spouse's choices from their own worth.