The Hug That Got Ridiculed: How Boys Learn to Hide Their Hearts & Become Men Who Struggle with Emotional Intimacy

In this episode, I speak with Fred Rabinowitz, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Redlands, about his nearly 40-year career at the intersection of psychology, masculinity, and men's mental health. Fred shares his personal journey, from growing up as the oldest of three boys with a father who was both a traditional male and an artist who encouraged emotional openness and close friendships, to a pivotal experience in first grade when hugging a friend led to being ridiculed. He discusses how that early moment shaped his understanding of how boys are socialized to suppress their emotional lives, shifting from open and affectionate to competitive and emotionally guarded. We discuss how Fred and his colleague Sam Cochran established one of the first university-based therapeutic men's groups at the University of Missouri in 1982, and the critical role that positive older male figures can play as mentors, helping young men feel less alone and creating a constructive cycle of emotional openness. Fred explains that therapy with men requires a different approach given the gender norms they have internalized, emphasizing the importance of entering with empathy and curiosity rather than judgment, building trust, and helping clients reflect on the underlying reasons for their behavior rather than simply naming symptoms. We discuss loss as a primary wound that often brings men into therapy, and how avoidance behaviors such as substance abuse serve as coping mechanisms. Fred describes how intimacy is frequently conflated with sex, and how emotional closeness between men is often perceived as threatening despite being a fundamental human need for connection. He also addresses the post-pandemic cultural landscape, critiquing the manosphere's emphasis on physical appearance and wealth as paths to fulfillment, and the need for greater empathy toward men within feminist movements. Fred shares stories from his latest book, Deepening Group Psychotherapy with Men, which chronicles the group dynamics of ten men in therapy and represents his favorite blend of storytelling and clinical practice. We also discuss Men and Depression, which examines black-and-white thinking, suicide risk, and the emotional disconnection that can leave men uncertain of their own emotional states. The conversation then turns to a forthcoming book on the psychology of poker, co-authored with Darren Elias. Fred recounts how their collaboration began when, as Dean, he mentored a you