Helping Women on Their Journey Through the Five Phases of Divorce Grief

In this episode, Oona discusses how she went through her own divorce a number of years ago and found that there were not that many resources for women. After moving through her own divorce and becoming resettled, she started running groups for women going through divorce and has run numerous groups over the years. She shared that through working with many women, she began to find patterns and themes and wrote a book for women to help them as they make this transition in their life. She explained that the Kubler-Ross model of grief was helpful, but wasn’t quite capturing the nuances of divorce. She described what she calls the five phases of divorce, which are Heartbreak, Roller Coaster, Mending, Letting Go and Moving On. In the Heartbreak phase, she explained that whether the person initiated the divorce or not, there is a great deal of pain and heartbreak and its a time for the therapist to be fully present with their client. The Roller Coaster phase features a mix of emotions with sadness, anger, fear, shame, and other emotions, and can be confusing since there may be conflicting emotions. For example, someone might feel a great deal of anger and maybe hate, but at the same time sadness and love. Helping clients to understand that this is a phase of the process of moving through divorce can help clients to understand that this will not last forever and to be patient with themselves, rather than rushing into another relationship or self medicating. The Mending phase is a time to turn toward the self instead of spending so much energy on the ex or the divorce. Mending includes a process of renegotiating boundaries, not only with the ex around what their interactions will be like or how they will coparent, but also their friends, family, and in laws. She explained that it’s a time for reevaluation and many people also begin to reevaluate their boundaries with others in their life. The fourth phase is Letting Go and is an important component of healing. When people divorce, they not only let go of their spouse, but also their identity of being a married person, as well as their identity of being part of an intact family. Lastly, in the Moving On phase, she explains that the person is shifting their focus away from the divorce and towards the future, whether that be in another relationship, their work, their children or a new venture. She explained that sometimes people can get stuck in a phase like the Roller Coaster phase, and it can be helpful to work with