Should I Say Something? The Psychology of Honesty, Boundaries & Difficult Conversations with Vanessa Bohns

When should you speak up, and when is it better to keep something to yourself?

This week, we welcome Vanessa Bohns, social psychologist at Cornell University and author of Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself, for an insightful conversation about the everyday decisions that shape our relationships, careers, and personal lives.

Drawing on psychological research, Vanessa explores why we often overestimate how negatively people will react when we speak up, share our feelings, ask personal questions, or offer honest feedback. From deciding whether to tell a friend about a potentially unfaithful partner to figuring out when to share good news, bad news, or a personal struggle, this conversation offers practical, research-backed guidance for navigating life's most uncomfortable social situations.

The discussion examines the difference between kindness and honesty, revealing why the two are not mutually exclusive and how compassionate honesty can help people learn, grow, and strengthen relationships. Vanessa also explains the psychology behind benign and malicious envy, why sharing our successes can inspire others, and how our own actions can challenge social norms such as ghosting in dating and the workplace.

We also explore the benefits of asking deeper questions to build meaningful connections, the surprising power of vulnerability, and why sharing difficult experiences can bring people closer together. She challenges the common belief that we must always share our struggles to feel better, highlighting the importance of personal boundaries and choosing the right time and place to open up. She also discusses over-apologizing, how to express empathy without taking responsibility for things that aren't our fault, and how to make a sincere apology without putting the burden on someone else to make us feel better.

Finally, the conversation tackles ethical dilemmas and the difficult choices that arise when two competing values such as honesty, loyalty, fairness, and care—seem equally important. She shares a practical framework for identifying your goals, considering short- and long-term consequences, and making thoughtful decisions you can stand behind, even when there is no perfect answer.

Whether you're navigating friendships, family dynamics, dating, workplace relationships, or the complexities of life after 50, this episode will help you rethink what it means to speak up, stay silent, and communicate with confidence