Postpartum Rage Is Real: Mom Rage, DMER & Postpartum Anxiety with Dr. Sanam Shamtobi

Dr. S is back, and this time we actually made it to the questions — which, if you heard the last one, is a genuine achievement for the two of us. I feel lighter every single time I talk to her, and I needed this one. We started with the question I had been sitting on for ages without knowing I was sitting on it: is it normal to feel rage toward your partner after having a baby, even when he is actually a good partner?

Her answer was yes, 100%, and it has almost nothing to do with him. So I told her the thing I have never really told anybody. After my first, I would come downstairs after bedtime — my husband had cleaned the entire kitchen, put every dish away, done everything — and there would be one dirty bottle on the counter. And I would see red. I wouldn't yell at him. I would just stand there unscrewing it, washing it, slamming the dishwasher, quietly hating a man who had done nothing wrong. I carried that guilt for a long time. Dr. S listened to the whole story and said: that's it. That's postpartum rage, exactly. And by the way, you are still postpartum at eight and nine months, which is another thing nobody bothers to mention.

Then we got into DMER — dysphoric milk ejection reflex — which we both had, and which neither of us knew had a name until we went looking. For me it felt like homesickness every single time I nursed. Dr. S saw three or four lactation consultants and not one of them asked; it is the reason she opened her practice. And when I asked what she would say to a mom who is postpartum right now, she said the thing that has been rattling around my head since: women will cry to their friends all day long and still never sit down and actually process any of it. We push it down with a fury.

In this episode we get real about:

Whether it is normal to rage at a genuinely good partner, and why the 3AM math has nothing to do with him

How to have the unequal-load conversation — and why the middle of the rage is the worst possible time to have it

The rage that shows up because parenting looks easy for him and hard for you

How much rage is normal, and the line where Dr. S says go get help

The dirty bottle on the counter, and all the guilt I carried before anyone gave it a name

DMER, the homesick feeling during letdown that nobody warned either of us about

Why women will tell a friend everything and still not book the one hour a week for themselves

Momma, if you have ever loved your husband and wanted to break a bottle over his hea