What Do You Owe a Difficult Boss?

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I was having lunch on the patio at Kiwami with a long-time colleague — we'd served together on the board of the Coalition of Asian Pacifics in Entertainment — and we were debating whether to order the Kiwami tray or go à la carte.

And then, I felt the energy around me shift. I didn’t turn my head, but I could see her outline in my peripheral vision. The boss who fired me. OMG, she was seated close enough to hear us order, and I was close enough I could smell her perfume.

My first instinct: pretend she doesn't exist. Keep smiling. Keep chatting. Keep still. But the light-hearted parley about omakase was now nausea inducing and there was a buzzing in my ears.

My boss, no, my ex-boss flagged a waiter and asked to move inside. I can't remember anything that happened after that.

Here's what I know now that I didn't know then: what happened in my body had a name. My nervous system registered a perceived threat and responded accordingly — heart rate, shallow breath, the works. I was in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn moment — and caught between freezing and fawning. Why not do both when I’m under threat?

What's interesting is that the threat wasn't real. I wasn't in danger. But my nervous system treated my ex-boss’ arrival as if something horrible was about to happen and I would be blind-sided all over again.

Reader Question: Should I Reach Out to a Former (Not Awesome) Boss for a Job?

I was reminded of this Kiwami experience recently when a reader sent me a question I suspect a lot of other people have too. He'd just learned that a former boss had landed a senior role at a new company. This was someone who had been skilled at managing up and promoting himself, but less focused on developing and advocating for his team. Now that this person was back in a leadership position, my reader found himself wondering: does it make sense to reach out? And if they ran into each other at some random place, what exactly should he do?

We all know how important it is to maintain business relationships, but what do you do with the professional relationships that were genuinely complicated and triggered you into fight / flight / freeze / fawn mode? Thank you reader for such a powerful, timely question.

The Tool: Friendly, Not Friends

Earlier in my career, when I was a “baby” network executive, some of the senior executives I worked with were … well, I just have to say it. They were m