We’re From The Global(ist) Satanic Pedovore Mafia And We’re Here To Help

The backroom of the Capitol Pedovore Club was thick with cigar smoke, the smell of jerky, and paranoid whispers.

At the center sat Don “The Boss” Trumpano, slamming his fist on the table. “A disgrace! I made 180 deals to save the world from Iran’s drugs/nukes, and who gets the Nobel Peace Prize? Some total nobody! Consigliere Vance, take this down: anyone badmouthing the Tel Aviv crew gets their visa revoked and gets thrown out of the territory… starting with that peace winner! No visa for you!”

Vance nodded frantically, scribbling notes. “Right away, Don. Also, a reminder from Pete ‘The Enforcer': Once the midterms wrap up and the Houthis take a break from pounding Saudi Arabia, we’re sending troops straight into Tehran.”

“Good,” Trumpano grunted. “I’ll let Bibi know… It’s time to die for Israel”.

“Anyway, where’s Marco ‘The Mouthpiece'?

Rubio leaned out of the shadows. “Right here, Boss. I met with the global Dons… China, Russia, Israel, the Macron Men… We’re coordinating on this new ‘Siberian Plague.' And ‘Billy the Chemist' Gates is back in the backroom, whispering about ‘Plandemic 2.0'… says ‘the next one' will really get everyone's attention. So we’re cooking up a joint vaccine racket – strictly for Families that pay their protection fee.”

“Excellent,” Trumpino said. “If they think to stop our extortion fees, remind them that private cars and planes need oil and gas and we’ve got all the power… and pictures of them on Jeffrey’s island.”

“And Marco, remind the press: anyone talking about Artificial Intelligence from now on is a traitor. From now on, everything is Super Intelligence. If they don't call SI ‘Super Intelligence', they're an enemy of the outfit.”

Just then, Friends of the IDF Michael and Susan Dell slithered into the room… back from handing out ‘Trump accounts’ directly to a group of neighborhood kids… No Parental Consent Required. No Opt-Out Accepted.

“Start 'em young, Don,” the strange lizard lady grinned, swiping a toddler's thumbprint onto a tablet. “We're registering the little ones directly onto the Central Bank Digital Currency ledger. No cash, no off-the-books ice cream money. Total trackability from the cradle.”

Before Trumpano could answer, rival capos Chuck “The Whip” Schumer and Nancy “The Gavel” Pelosi slipped through the door, holding out empty envelopes.

“We need our cut of the war chest, Don,” Chuck purred. “Or we leak the Tehran plan early.”