Postmodern Noodle Soup

Eclipsisms

What are we discerning now? Can you reflect on it and see the truth?

Oh my god. I did not think I could have survived the tornado of what the eclipsisms was. But here I am, integrating, seeing the same things from a different perspective. Allowing my body to take shape and to speak to me how to integrate what I have been able to witness and where I am going right now. It is an exciting moment, yet I must walk slowly just to make sure that the steps I take are solidly grounded, and where I want to go. The intuition is still the same: being solar, being radiant, being creative. But now with what I have seen, with all the ugliness and anguish, I am more aware that every step I make on a moment to moment basis is defining the shape of the kind of life I am living.

I am also conscious of the surface of what I am seeing on the outside that is reflecting what is inside.

I am taking my space and my position within the system. Remaining helpful, but not trying to overwrite, to overpower. Being patient, avoiding any urge of control. Being attentive, inquiring into even my place in community.

The Mirror of Merging

I want to give an example about the way I’ve been relating to relationships in general, and how different they are right now because I am not attaching myself to what it would mean for me to not have those relationships in my life, and what do they mean right now that I’m aware.

Throughout my life, whenever I entered a new relationship, it was out of an intense attraction and compulsion, out of an eagerness to merge and to become one with it, to feel transformed by that vitality of it that would last from the beginning until the end. I was never afraid of ending it, but always very concerned about living it fully, fully, because that’s what gave me life.

The new awareness is slightly different. I am conscious about the triggers of wanting to merge as one, knowing that with time, that’s going to make me feel resentful and frustrated. Because all I want is to be able to be in true relationship with myself, without the compulsion of the merger, nor the compulsion of fixing, giving, or caring that actually happens at the end of the union when I realize that I have given all to the relationship and am left empty inside.

Needs and values have given me leverage over the past ten years since I started becoming conscious of my behavior. Many called that intensity; for me, that was simply my norm until I saw it as a window to explore, and shadow work became a daily practice.

In relationships that are being rebirthed again, like the spiral, you do not start where you left off. You start where you are at. If you had left off in a part of the circle and you have already engaged in some reflections and some evolution, you start where you are at. Therefore, because you are in a different place altogether, you can see the difference. If you start in the same place you left, you are going to start reacting out of habit instead of responding from a place of truth.

Using inspiration rather than force, using aspiration (breath) rather than fear.